Stockholm Syndrome

I wanted to share my story in an attempt to empower women who are in a relationship and are experiencing confusion, intense trauma, low-self esteem and devalue.

It all began in the mid-80’s when I met a very handsome man, Joshua*, 4 years my junior. He was studying and I was working at an Advertising Agency. We lived in a block of bachelor apartments in Hillbrow, just adjacent from one another. The attraction was mutual and we did not “date” as a normal couple would – he was studying and said he could not afford to take me out as he was not earning money. His family were supporting him during his studies. So, he would just visit as and when he could.

One year later we both moved out of the building without saying goodbye or exchanging contact details but we met again at the Sunnyside Park hotel which was very popular in those days and from then on stayed in touch. I did not hear from him often and he eventually got married. Three months after his wedding he came to my place of employ and so began an affair that would last 24 years. It was not intense – I would see him 3 – 4 times a year. I did not make demands nor did I want to break up his marriage. Our relationship was comfortable, easy. An affair felt like the ideal for me. (I have come to understand that an affair felt “safe” for me because I am really afraid of men, cannot confront – due to being raised by an angry and violent father who was a weekend drinker. On a sub-conscious level I took it upon myself from an early age to try to keep the equilibrium light at home, just so that he would not have any reason to lose his temper. I shut down my own identity to become a “peacekeeper” if you will.)

Josh was charming, seemed to be honest and I trusted him implicitly. We got on very well and never had any disagreements – I always thought that there was a certain level of respect between us and we understood that when I met a significant other that our relationship would have to end. As it turned out I never did – I am now 54.

18 years went by during which we shared so much. I remember going out late at night in Hillbrow to get him some medication when he was ill, his pride at the birth of his daughter, his career development.

And then a 6 year period during which I did not see him at all although we still communicated on the odd occasion via e-mail.

We met again in 2008 and from the moment I saw him I knew that something had changed. My first thought was, “He is not happy.” His approach was different this time though. The experience that ensued I can only describe as one of sexual exploitation and emotional abuse; an experience akin to emotional rape. Communication was solely done via text messages, morning noon, and night – at all hours. The “seduction” was masterful. I felt loved, cared for, desired. He created such a loving “cocoon”, said all the things every women would want to hear. This was, however, just an illusion, part of his fantasy world to get me hooked into the game. And I was hooked.

The constant texting became like a drug for me. At night, usually at about 9 or 10 the “sexting” chats would happen. These “chats” became quite anxious for me. It was attractive and at the same time disturbing. He had become involved in S&M practices, i.e. BDSM / Infantalism / some rough stuff. He told me about relationships he had had, 3-somes he had participated in. I hold no judgement but it was a world I was not familiar with.

The language was different compared to a face-to-face conversation one would have. He was good at it and had obviously done this a lot! All of this should have made me run like the wind, but I could not or did not want to see it. He very early on in these texts told me he loved me, would love to be with me, words like “We are as one”, “You make me feel so good”, “I love you”. I felt so loved but my emotions were running high and my life was becoming so enmeshed with his. I was losing control, losing my identity, self-esteem – my very soul! It was like life was being sucked out of me. I was paralysed to set healthy boundaries – waiting for the next message – dreading it at the same time. My reactions and behaviour were completely out of character! I started taking sleeping tables because my sleep was interrupted so often with the text messages (mostly sexting). By day, I took Rescue Remedy to stay calm.

I couldn’t understand why I was reacting in such an extremely traumatic way. Something was “off”, nothing was normal. The entire “relationship” conducted only via texts. I saw him on 3 occasions over 5 months – usually late at night when he would text me at the last minute and say he was coming over...”Be there in 10”, he would say. Once I was hooked the “relationship” changed into one akin to a Slave/Master dynamic. He was as charming as ever on one day and be completely unavailable or aloof the next! I was “ping-ponging” all over the place – not sure what was going on.

My attempts at trying to gain some understanding from him as to his intent, his feelings, his often aloofness, were met with either complete silence or humour. I needed to have my emotions acknowledged and to be heard as a living person not an object at the other end of a cell phone!

I ended the relationship for the first time. No sooner had I done that when my body went into such an extremely traumatic state, shaking from the core, uncontrollable sobbing and absolute devastation. The only thing I knew was that I needed him back. I needed things as they were! I wrote to him again and we resumed the “relationship”. The same texting, the same lingo, the same “I love you’s”. Constant - controlling… I knew that I was going to have to separate from him slowly as this was not what I wanted for myself.

He, at one point, encouraged me to have relationships with other men so that I could gain more experience! He said that I had missed out on so much!
I remember telling him once that I was embarking on a journey that I thought was going to be life-changing for me.

His response: "Bad, bad girl!! Suitable punishment will have to be metered out

I was numb! I had spiralled into a deep dark pit that I was not able to get out of!

Friends could not understand, they sat by and watched as I cried.

I did not know at the time that I had bonded to him – did not know that the The Betrayal Bond existed, but realised that something inside of me needed him – and it was not good.

Eventually I did end it, but made contact again about 3 months ago, which sent me spiralling back into the same traumatic state – even worse than before! It had to end! It felt like a dark, dense and evil cloud was closing in on me. I slept with a bible next to my bed for two weeks. The tremors and crying continued for a while and I still struggle on some days, but it’s getting better.

And so my journey to recovery started.

I needed help! And I had to do a lot of work myself so that I could understand why I participated in such an abusive relationship that has left me devalued, without an identity or sense of self, low self esteem and feeling sexually inadequate and worthless.

“Many of the women experience sexual damage and negative effects on their sexuality. Having been exposed to unfamiliar sexual practices, humiliated about their sexual performance or bodies compared to other women and often sexually harmed.”
From the article: “The damage that they do” by Sandra Brown, MA.

The man I trusted, had allowed into my bed was emotionally vacant, sadistic, sexually exploitive – a liar, pure evil. He took pleasure in seeing my “melt down”.

He took my light – I became his darkness – and the darkness was palpable!

I joined an on-line support group and there I learned that the behaviours I had experienced with Josh were those of a Pathalogical Narcissist. Everything just fell into place.

There are countless other women who have had the same experience, are experiencing the same feelings – and it is only someone who has been through it or a psychologist who has helped these broken women who understand the depths of the trauma – and the strong pull to make contact with the men again. It is like a severe addiction - but like any addiction it can be treated.

My road to recovery:

The Number One rule and the hardest to stick to – is NO CONTACT – in any way, shape or form! I do not want to be back in that dark place ever again. This does not mean that I did not continue to have constant thoughts of him – these still continue but are becoming less frequent.
My sport is a lifesaver – expending energy and mindfully participating in life – as hard as it is. On some days it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other.
I had to learn what a healthy, romantic relationship should look like.
My research into Narcissistic Personality Disorder opened up doors for me that have been integral for me. Knowledge and understanding that what I was going through was a Trauma Bond (or Betrayal Bond or Stockholm Syndrome) is a huge part of my recovery.
I joined an on-line support group which was like “coming home” – hearing others tell the same story about the “same man”. Their stories helped me understand that I was not the crazy one.
I started making notes about anything positive – what a healthy relationship should look like, how to start loving yourself, meditation as a tool to relax and quieten the mind, Oprah Winfrey’s list of things about men, anything!
I have taken a journey to reclaim my sexuality within a safe and healthy environment. I want my whole self back, bit by bit – I want to reclaim what he took from me. From now on I focus on me and my future happiness and hopefully a healthy, truly loving relationship!
I read as much as I can that would teach me more about Trauma Bonding – how to heal from it, Loving the Inner Child, Narcissism, other people’s stories, websites.
I am learning to set healthy boundaries so that I do not allow this kind of treatment in future.
And importantly I am in long-term therapy to “build up” a healthy me – like putting together pieces of a jigsaw puzzle!

I would like to share one of my initial posts on the support group site:

I am so saddened today! What are the tears for? The man? The loss of some part of me? The longing for him (or the person I thought he was)?
I feel as though my heart has been ripped apart. Perhaps it's just the realisation of what he did to me which I find so unbelievable - how does someone of this earth get to be so cruel.

My therapy is based on the premise which is portrayed very succinctly in the book “How to Break your Addiction to a Person” by (Harold Halpern)

“How to Break your Addiction to a Person”

by (Harold Halpern)

To the extent that limerence makes you idealize the other person and blinds you to his faults, it can make you feel unworthy relative to him and you may be tempted, therefore, to settle for crumbs and great unhappiness within the relationship.
Your fear of chasing away this “marvelous” person may lead you to avoid the kind of confronting and engaging that is usually necessary to the development of a mutual and truly satisfying relationship.

In his chapter entitled Return of a Memory and referring to an adult (with abandonment hunger through childhood neglect as mentioned by above) love relationship that is wrong for us but that we cannot end, even though it is not good for us, he says

In order to understand your Attachment Hunger it is essential that you realize that it is not a new experience. It is not occurring for the first time in the current relationship. It is the return of a memory. It is an emotional reminiscence of a much earlier time. Although the actual details of the memory may be largely forgotten the FEELINGS are as alive and intense now as, when they are triggered into your awareness by the loss or anticipated loss of an important connection, as they were when you originally felt them. And you originally felt them in the first few months and years of your life. What this means is that when you are ruled by Attachment Hunger, your state of mind is, in many ways, a re-experiencing of your state you were in as an infant or toddler. The qualities of this experience are those of a needy vulnerable being with limited perspective, underdeveloped judgment, little capacity for rational thought, and no will power. And you need not have had a particularly traumatic or deprived childhood to have known these feelings of primitive dependency. They are part of everyone’s legacy. They are deposits in everyone’s memory banks. So when these Attachment Hunger states take over, your thinking and judgment are distorted and ruled by the intense emotions of a time when you were helpless.”

Slowly I am building my life again, one step at a time. The shaking has subsided a lot, every day I am on the verge of tears, I feel extremely saddened – I feel sorry for this man because I know that he is probably in his own hell. I want to help him. Does this make sense?!!

There is nothing I can do about him or his behavior. As hard as it is to digest - I don't matter in his world.

I do not hold a grudge against him. As bad as his behavior was and as extreme as my trauma was, I see it as a gift. He had triggered emotions in me from my childhood that need healing.

I aim to be a survivor, not a victim. I have to believe that I am worth more.

I am reminded of a quote:

"Your journey has moulded you for the greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time." Asha Tyson, Writer, public speaker

My story is not the worst I have heard of – there are women out there who are married to Narcissists/Psychopaths – their lives are that of utter devastation and depression with children involved too. It breaks my heart to hear their stories!

If you think you have bonded to an abuser here is a Self Test which was developed by Patrick Carnes (Author of: The Betrayal Bond)

THE BETRAYAL BOND

We bring love and empathy, or we pit ourselves into conflict. In an attempt to find our identity, we try harder to counter the bad behaviour by being the opposite:

We meet betrayal – with loyalty

We meet distortion – with honesty

We meet hostile taking – by giving

… and we long to have our generosity acknowledged.

We try to establish generosity, give more, and the stakes get higher.

In our longing and striving to put things right in the relationship and to be recognised, we are in a betrayal bond. We haemorrhage self, we are weakened and we become more dependent on the other to give us what we long for. This is ‘magical shortage’ – where small amounts seem like heaven.

www.selfinexile.com

Resources and Recommendations

RECOMMENDATIONS

Books:

"How to Spot A Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved” - Sandra Brown
Women Who Love Psychopaths - Sandra L Brown
Facing Love Addiction - Pia Mellody
How to Break Your addiction to a person - Harold Halpern
Women Who Love Too Much - Robin Norwood
Letters from Women Who Love too Much - Robin Norwood

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships - Patrick Carnes

Maggie Scarf's "Secrets, Lies, Betrayals: The Body Mind Connection"

Websites:

www.melanietoniaevans.com

http://www.angelfire.com/zine2/narcissism/index.html

http://narcissism-support.blogspot.com/

www.selfinexile.com

http://www.thenarcissistandpsychopath.yolasite.com/the-narcissist.php

An on-line support Group: www.dailystrength.org “Women Who Love too Much” “Narcissist Victims Syndrome”

A ROLLERCOASTER RELATIONSHIP

(Trauma Bonding / Betrayal Bonding / Stockholm Syndrome)

I wanted to share my story in an attempt to empower women who are in a relationship and are experiencing confusion, intense trauma, low-self esteem and devalue.

And then a 6 year period during which I did not see him at all although we still communicated on the odd occasion via e-mail.

The constant texting became like a drug for me. At night, usually at about 9 or 10 the “sexting” chats would happen. These “chats” became quite anxious for me. It was attractive and at the same time disturbing. He had become involved in S@M practices, i.e. BDSM / Infantalism / some rough stuff. He told me about relationships he had had, 3-somes he had participated in. I hold no judgement but it was a world I was not familiar with.

My attempts at trying to gain some understanding from him as to his intent, his feelings, his often aloofness, were met with either complete silence or humour. I needed to have my emotions acknowledged and to be heard as a living person not an object at the other end of a cell phone!

He, at one point, encouraged me to have relationships with other men so that I could gain more experience! He said that I had missed out on so much!
I remember telling him once that I was embarking on a journey that I thought was going to be life-changing for me.

His response: "Bad, bad girl!! Suitable punishment will have to be metered out

I was numb! I had spiralled into a deep dark pit that I was not able to get out of!

Friends could not understand, they sat by and watched as I cried.

I did not know at the time that I had bonded to him – did not know that the The Betrayal Bond existed, but realised that something inside of me needed him – and it was not good.

And so my journey to recovery started.

“Many of the women experience sexual damage and negative effects on their sexuality. Having been exposed to unfamiliar sexual practices, humiliated about their sexual performance or bodies compared to other women and often sexually harmed.”
From the article: “The damage that they do” by Sandra Brown, MA.

The man I trusted, had allowed into my bed was emotionally vacant, sadistic, sexually exploitive – a liar, pure evil. He took pleasure in seeing my “melt down”.

He took my light – I became his darkness – and the darkness was palpable!

I joined an on-line support group and there I learned that the behaviours I had experienced with Josh were those of a Pathalogical Narcissist. Everything just fell into place.

My road to recovery:

The Number One rule and the hardest to stick to – is NO CONTACT – in any way, shape or form! I do not want to be back in that dark place ever again. This does not mean that I did not continue to have constant thoughts of him – these still continue but are becoming less frequent.
My sport is a lifesaver – expending energy and mindfully participating in life – as hard as it is. On some days it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other.
I had to learn what a healthy, romantic relationship should look like.
My research into Narcissistic Personality Disorder opened up doors for me that have been integral for me. Knowledge and understanding that what I was going through was a Trauma Bond (or Betrayal Bond or Stockholm Syndrome) is a huge part of my recovery.
I joined an on-line support group which was like “coming home” – hearing others tell the same story about the “same man”. Their stories helped me understand that I was not the crazy one.
I started making notes about anything positive – what a healthy relationship should look like, how to start loving yourself, meditation as a tool to relax and quieten the mind, Oprah Winfrey’s list of things about men, anything!
I have taken a journey to reclaim my sexuality within a safe and healthy environment. I want my whole self back, bit by bit – I want to reclaim what he took from me. From now on I focus on me and my future happiness and hopefully a healthy, truly loving relationship!
I read as much as I can that would teach me more about Trauma Bonding – how to heal from it, Loving the Inner Child, Narcissism, other people’s stories, websites.
I am learning to set healthy boundaries so that I do not allow this kind of treatment in future.
And importantly I am in long-term therapy to “build up” a healthy me – like putting together pieces of a jigsaw puzzle!

I would like to share one of my initial posts on the support group site:

My therapy is based on the premise which is portrayed very succinctly in the book “How to Break your Addiction to a Person” by (Harold Halpern)

I had to ask myself: “When was the last time someone who was supposed to love me, hurt me? When was the last time I felt so scared!” My father!

There is nothing I can do about him or his behavior. As hard as it is to digest - I don't matter in his world.

I do not hold a grudge against him. As bad as his behavior was and as extreme as my trauma was, I see it as a gift. He had triggered emotions in me from my childhood that need healing.

I aim to be a survivor, not a victim. I have to believe that I am worth more.

I am reminded of a quote:

If you think you have bonded to an abuser here is a Self Test which was developed by Patrick Carnes (Author of: The Betrayal Bond)

Resources and Recommendations

Search this website for South African Women's interests. If we don't have what you are looking for click here to make a suggestion.

Find out more about

this new health powder