By Cheri von Wielligh

After being made aware that one in five women in South Africa is a step mom I carefully contemplated how much my definition of family had changed over the last few years. Having recently become a step mom I was fully aware that the word alone conjured up images of the "wicked kind" (often depicted in fairy tales) who clearly seemed to break all the unwritten rules of step-parenting..... If only those "rules" were clearly defined!

When I met Ivan a little over two years ago I had no idea just how much would change in such a short space of time. We had been clear to only introduce each other to our respective children once we were clear on the future of our relationship.

Whilst Ivan was pretty much thrown into the deep end of step parenting when he came to live with me and my children (Luke, Rachel and Jessica); I had a slightly slower transition with his children initially visiting on alternate weekends and holidays.

It wasn't long before his children moved in full time and my title of step mom became more permanent. Initially I was rather shell-shocked with having to step in and help Zanté (11) with "tween" issues as she transitions to womanhood. I was maybe even more out of my depth in being Damien's (18) sounding board and confidant on issues involving Matric, work, conflicts with his mom and dating. After all I am only 30 and my children aged 9, 7 and 5 respectively.

After the initial period of adjustment everyone settled into the changed routines and family roles. It was interesting to watch Luke grapple with the change in his position in the family, from being the eldest to being the middle child. Zanté also had added responsibility as she went from being the youngest to having three younger siblings. We rely very much on strict rules and routine and instill a sense of responsibility, with each person having designated chores.

Both Ivan and I have learnt to cope with the demand of such a big family and we manage to treat the children fairly, as individuals, with their own temperaments and needs. We have both challenged each other’s views on parenting and boast a good relationship with the children’s other parents.

We encourage an environment of mutual trust, respect and open communication - as difficult as this may seem at times. Discipline is handled by us both in a firm but fair manner. We have also learned to deal well with conflicts and have learned to laugh at the little things.

We have little time alone as the children are away at opposing times. Our lives are what some would term chaotic but we find that time without the children is great at first but very soon becomes too quiet and empty.

Amongst all this we still manage to steal a few moments here and there to maintain our marriage with quick stops at the coffee shop or prolonged grocery shopping excursions.

Our family life, compared to that of the family in the movie "Yours, Mine and Ours”, is just as full of trials and tribulations but also one filled with laughter, happiness and love. 

And this after all is what family is... Isn't it?