Divorce can be one of the most traumatic and unsettling experiences for a family. It is often compared to the experience of death due to the similar and profound loss felt not only by the couple themselves, but also by the children, extended family and even friends. Very often parents may be so overwhelmed by their own feelings of anger, fear, guilt, disappointment and sadness that they are unable to see that their children are experiencing the very same emotions. While they battle to adjust to new roles, the children battle with divided loyalties, confusion and feeling responsible for the divorce. If children are not helped through this process, they can be left with feelings of guilt, inadequacy, sadness and a sense of failed relationships.
Children's reactions to parental divorce are related to how parents inform them of their decision. Because of this, it is important for parents to think carefully about how they will tell their children and what they will tell them. When possible, the entire family should meet together so that both parents can answer children’s questions. This strategy may also help parents to avoid blaming each other for the divorce.
Remember that divorce is confusing for children. When you first talk with children, limit your discussion to the most important and most immediate issues. Children can become confused if they are given too much information at once. Children need to hear that their basic needs will be met, that someone will still fix breakfast in the morning, help them with their homework, and tuck them into bed at night. Children also need to know that their relationship with BOTH parents will continue, if possible. In the face of so many changes, children also need to hear what will remain the same. Parents can reassure their children through words and actions that their love will continue despite the changes in routine family life. During these family discussions, it is important for parents to tell children that the divorce is final and avoid giving children false hopes that the parents will reunite. Parents can also use this time to tell children that the divorce is not their fault. Many children believe that the divorce is a result of something that they did. Even younger children who seem to have no understanding of what is going on may need extra reassurance during this time. For instance, when asked why parents divorce, some children may explain that parents are divorcing because the children misbehaved or received bad grades in school. Children need repeated reassurance from parents that they are not responsible for the divorce.
As children are dependant on parents for their feelings of security, it is a parent's responsibility to seek support and guidance for themself so that they are better able to help children adjust to the changes that divorce brings. With the right support from both parents, children can in the long term still experience a secure and loving family experience.
* Explain the reasons for the divorce in simple terms in a way that reassures the child that they are not in any way to blame
* Be aware of managing your own fears and sadness. It is not your child's role to make you feel better. Rather you need to maintain the responsible parent role and allow them to experience as stress-free a childhood as possible. Do not be afraid to seek professional help if necessary or ask family and friends for support
* Remember to ask children about their fears and concerns. Encourage open communication, listen to your child and help them to identify what they are feeling. Take your children's concerns seriously and LISTEN to what they say. Children need to know that parents recognize the impact of divorce on children's lives. By listening to children's thoughts and feelings about the divorce, parents demonstrate their ongoing care and concern. Realize that feelings of loss and anger are typical. You can't change your child's feelings, but it is important to let your child know you understand them. For example, “I know you must be really sad that you can't see your dad today.”
Allow your children to express all of their feelings including their anger. Parents often avoid or deny an emotion because it mirrors their own painful feelings. This helps children to make sense of their feelings and behaviour and helps to put them at ease in accepting that a range of feelings are okay
* Do not criticise the other parent unnecessarily. Children derive their self-esteem in part from how they perceive their parents who are their first role-models. Reassure your child that they are still loved by your ex partner
* Talk about changes in a practical way. When and how they will see the non-custodian parent. Establish a routine as soon as possible and keep certain activities constant. A routine provides security for children.
* Try and maintain a positive working relationship with your ex partner. You can still raise your children together living separately
* Maintain realistic discipline. So called 'naughty ' behaviour is often due to confused emotions and pain that the child cannot manage. Keep boundaries and discipline in place but always respond to your child's feelings
* Finally, never ask your child to take sides or relay hostile information to your ex-partner. This will only increase your child's guilt and feelings of responsibility and powerlessness. Learn to recognise when you need help if you are unable to deal with your own unresolved feelings towards your ex partner.
Source of article -
Barbara Lancaster Tidy - Child & Family Counsellor B.SocSci;BASWHons.
Email -
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