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The Challenge of Step-Parenting |
Any couple whether married or living together and who have children from a prior relationship, are automatically involved in step relationships and step parenting. With divorce rates so high in South Africa and globally, step families are common place. The success of such families relies on the adults involved being able to acknowledge the difficulties of step relationships in an open and honest way, with respect for the individual children concerned.
It is important for parents to bear in mind that children experience divorce and the post divorce period as painful and unsettling. Structure in the family thus becomes critical in providing security and lessening the children's feelings of abandonment. This applies equally to the new step family. New rules, roles and responsibilities need to be worked out and adjusted to. Recognising and responding to a range of emotions that children may feel in the new family, is just as crucial. For example:- children generally want their family and home back intact and thus may respond with aggression, rebellion and/or withdrawn behaviour.
It is important to realise that children are not being difficult. Rather they are acting out their fears. Similarly, the too good and perfect child may be repressing these fears but still feel the fear of change.
It is vital then that parents and step parents are able to view any trouble in the family from the child's perspective:-
*does the child fear being replaced by the new partner?
*does the child feel resentful to the new partner for seemingly replacing their biological parent?
*has the child's position in the family changed, for instance is the eldest child now a middle child?
*is the child feeling torn in terms of emotional loyalty to the other parent?
Children, like adults, fear change and they need to know specifically how their lives might alter in terms of where they will live; go to school; what the new family rules are, and what their role will be. Before a new family structure can be developed, the realities of step-parenting need to be faced. This family is different to a biological family and will require time to adjust and grow.
It is helpful for the parent and step parent to talk about how they view family - their childhood family, their biological family, and now this family.
Both partners need to reach consensus of how they would like the step family to run. In this process, just as each child is an individual, both partners need to recognise and respect their differences and still find a shared reality and common ground for raising the children.
So how can a step family be successful? The most important consideration for both partners to make is that step families are different and will involve different dynamics and behaviours.
For example, tasks for biological children are easier for the biological parent to perform. An awareness of such differences make the new rule setting easier. Where family relationships develop naturally, step families have to create a new team where roles and responsibilities of each family member need to be carefully thought through and clearly stipulated.
· Children should know that you love and respect your new partner but that this does not in any way affect your love for them. Also, that whilst they need to respect your new partner they do not have to love or even like them. Don’t expect an instant happy family. Allow your children to mourn the loss of their biological family and to adjust in their own time. The only requirement in step-families is mutual respect.
· Remember your child still has a biological parent Never undermine him/her as this only damages your child's self esteem and deepens a conflict of loyalties. There are no ex parents, only ex spouses! Co-parent not only with your new partner, but also with your ex spouse. You can still raise your children together while living separately. Decide on access visits, holidays, attending school activities etc. When children have a structure which is reliable, their emotional well being is enhanced.
· Build a strong united couple and nurture your relationship. Do not have unrealistic expectations as there will be differences and times of adjustment. However learn to resolve these successfully modelling your mutual respect for the children. Discuss and agree on discipline as this provides guidelines and security for the children.
· Don't blame step children for problems in a family. Only the adults can take responsibility for the success or failure of the situation. Acknowledge that the situation may initially be painful for the children and that step parenting presents challenges which parents need to address FOR the sake of the children.
· Recognise guilt feelings. Children feel guilt over their conflicting loyalties; biological parents feel guilt for loving a new partner; the absent parent feels guilt for spending less time with the children etc. Encourage the family to talk through these feelings towards an acceptance of the changes. Be aware of indulging children because of guilt-rather focus on building open and honest communication with your child.
· Be aware of the role of money, that this is not used as a power play or punishment for either the biological or step family-don't allow your children to feel responsible for changed financial positions. Step couples should talk about and agree on financial obligations
Finally, if you are struggling in a step family, don't be afraid to seek help. Parenting can be enormously challenging and step parenting even more so.
Source of article -
Barbara Lancaster Tidy - Child & Family Counsellor B.SocSci;BASWHons.
Email -
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