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According to Divorce statistics issued by the Law Department of Wits University several years ago, 3 out of 5 South African marriages were ending in Divorce. Added information from the United States of America indicated that 78% of second marriages were heading the same way. There are many pressures and high expectations on relationships today with inadequate emotional support. Historically we have moved further away from our Creator-intended ways of relating and we have increasingly honored more left-brain ways of thinking – logic, science and technology - at the expense of right-brained intuition, compassion and empathetic understanding and support. Children of Divorce not only contend with the initial Parental separation, but with a whole chain of events that follow – changes in school, friends and neighborhood, strained financial and parental support, and new family structures and bonds as parents date again and often re-marry – changes that often take up the rest of their life time. Divorce impacts on most areas of life, striking at primary attachment bonds, affecting economic and social networks. It can be a life-changing time of crisis that can impact on parents’ and children’s future in a helpful or unhelpful way depending on how consequent events and relationships are managed.
Mandy Young, Psychotherapist and Ecotherapist, has worked with families to facilitate the skills and adjustments needed in this time of crisis. She is the founder and facilitator of a workshop called ‘From Hurt to Hope, that helps children between the ages of 8 and 11 years express their feelings, invest in their own lives again, as well as learn important problem-solving and anger-control life skills that help them weather the thunder clouds that can often pervade the Divorce storm. She offers the following suggestions to Divorced parents and Children of Divorce:
After the initial Separation make as few changes as possible in terms of residence, school, family, friends and activities.
Parents need to take care of themselves. They have their own emotional traumas to deal with and a new identity to establish. If they do take care of their own needs, practically and emotionally, children continue to feel contained and cared for. If they don’t children feel like they have to take care of their parents in affirming, reassuring and practical ways in order to survive. When they do that they compromise their own normal developmental processes and become ‘mini-adults’. The burden is overwhelming.
Children need to believe in and love both parents even if parents no longer love each other. I often show parents and children two balls of plasticine – a blue one for example that represents the mother, and a red one that represents the father. Children are made up of a bit of blue plasticine and a bit of the red. In order to have integrity and self-worth they need to admire, love and respect their mother and father as much as possible.
Children hate the ongoing conflict between parents – they feel caught in the middle, often feeling a conflict of loyalties as they are encouraging by sparring parents to take sides. One child voiced, ‘…when you talk to each other through me it feels like an arrow going through my heart’. Parental conflict is inevitable, parents who get on and can communicate and resolve conflict don’t get divorced, but as far as possible, please keep antagonistic discussions away from your children.
Custodial and non-Custodial parents often develop different Parenting Styles as Custodial parents become more regimented, harsh and directive owing to the incredible task of being the Primary Caretaker and a new Breadwinner. Non-Custodial parents see their children less and tend to be more accommodating, permissive and indulgent. The best parenting style, and I know things get complicated, is to be emotionally responsive, but to set firm limits.
Finally, children need to know they are loved. They miss the parent they don’t live with or see as often, and when parents start to date again, they need to know and experience that they are still the priority!
Mandy Young offers therapeutic support in many ways for those who are experiencing the life transition of Divorce. If you would like her advice you can contact her on 082 445 4142 or visit the ‘Hurt to Hope’ section on her web page: www.peace-of-eden.co.za. In the near future we are also going to ask Mandy to tell us about the Peace-of-Eden Ecotherapy Experiences she facilitates as she uses her unique knowledge and self-pioneered experiences to help us know ourselves more, love a little better and be more earth-caring through Wisdom from Nature whilst observing wild Meerkats, Elephants, Dolphins and African Wild Dogs in their natural habitats!
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